Table of Contents
Table of Contents
As a certified Domestic Violence Professional, I have seen every form of abuse play out in my clients’ lives: from physical, financial, stalking, sexual and psychological abuse. The common myth that permeates our culture is leaving an abusive situation is 1) simple, and 2) solves the problem. In reality leaving is the most dangerous time and survivors know this instinctively. This is why I want to talk about one of the most common things I talk to my clients about every day as a Divorce Coach: post-separation abuse.
There is nothing simple about extracting oneself from a life built with another person, especially when we consider financial considerations and children. When we add in the element of domestic abuse it is even more difficult. In fact it takes the average survivor seven different times to fully leave. In healthy separations things can get complex, let alone if domestic abuse is a part of the dynamic. In recent years, the labeling of the specific type of abuse that occurs after separation has finally been named: that is post-separation abuse.
In the 2023 Measuring Safety Data Report published by The Network: Advocating Against Domestic Violence (a Chicagoland member-based advocacy organization) 90% of survivors that were surveyed reported dealing with post-separation abuse for years and even decades after splitting up. The coining of the term “post-separation abuse” was developed by One Mom’s Battle, an advocacy group that was started by protective parent Tina Swithin.
Signs of Post-separation Abuse
Counter-Parenting: Undermining the safe parent’s decisions and abilities; denies or withholds consent for minor child’s medical or therapeutic needs
Legal Abuse: Misuse of court proceedings to control, harass, intimidate and exhaust the financial resources of the safe parent; ignoring court orders, making false reports to DCFS, police etc.
Coercive Control: Imposing false narratives making the safe parent doubt their own reality (gaslighting); instills fear and makes threats to harm; strategically manipulates family and friends into conflict with the safe parent; consistent belittling and undermining of the safe parent
Isolation: Withholds minor child(ren) socially and/or from activities of importance to them; spreads rumors within the community or culture group to shame and stigmatize the safe parent; cuts off access to phone/accounts further destabilizing someone’s life.
Stalking/Harassment: Monitoring someone’s whereabouts through electronic means/ malware on computers/phones/vehicles etc; numerous messages via email/phone/text (do not need to be threatening in nature); making threats that do not rise to level of police involvement/threatening blackmail
Financial Abuse: Depleting back accounts, withholding support payments or court-ordered funds, impeding someone from maintaining employment, jeopardizing credit scores, causing eviction/foreclosure
Neglectful Parenting: Exposes children to unsafe content, situations, or people, uses intimidation or threats against the children to gain compliance, abusive parent’s needs are placed above the children
Alienation Claims: Parental alienation claims lodged against safe parents as a legal strategy, child rejects abusive parent in favor of safe parent leading to false claims, valid claims of abuse labeled as alienation as defensive tactic.
Subtle Tactics: The abuse might not always be as obvious as physical violence but could be more covert, such as manipulation of mutual friends or family members to undermine the victim’s support system. It can be challenging to ask for help in these situations due to the shame that many feel in a society that doesn’t understand abuse and often victim-blames.
Many people that choose to be abusive and cause harm find ways to do so that are not against the law. Post-separation abuse can be difficult to pinpoint as it comes during a time of distress when a relationship is breaking apart anyways. People experiencing this may excuse the behavior of their ex-partner such as “He is really struggling with the split”, or “She is coping by using alcohol and doesn’t mean to be so vicious”. When the actions of the ex-partner rise to the level of causing someone harm in the above ways we can see this play out with different effects on someone’s day to day life.
Recognizing the Signs In Yourself
Emotional Toll: Survivors may feel trapped or unable to escape the past relationship because of the ongoing harassment or control tactics.
Physical or Mental Health Consequences: Chronic stress, anxiety, depression, or PTSD are common outcomes of post-separation abuse.
Ultimately, if you or someone you know has experienced any type of abuse: it is not your fault. Abusing another person is always a choice and always the fault of the person using their power to cause harm to another person. There are many ways to seek support when dealing with a harmful person. Reaching out to the IL Domestic Violence Hotline at 847-221-5680 is one way. As a divorce coach, I’ve seen this battle countless times. Let’s go over some additional action steps to protect yourself and think ahead if you are dealing with this particular form of abuse.
How to Protect Yourself
Set Boundaries: Clearly communicate your limits and try to avoid contact with the abuser. If necessary, block their number and social media profiles.
Seek Legal Protection: Consider seeking an order of protection or pursuing legal action to protect yourself from harassment or threats. Ensure that your attorney is familiar with how to navigate high conflict cases. Obtain a consult from a reputable family law firm, such as Merel Family Law.
Document Everything: Keep a record of any abusive behaviors or communications, including screenshots, emails, and texts, which can be useful if legal action is needed. Visit the National Network to End Domestic Violence’s “Safety Net Project” at www.techsafety.org.
Reach Out for Support: Connect with domestic abuse organizations, counseling services, a divorce coach and support groups that specialize in post-separation abuse. For clients of Merel Family Law, I am able to provide comprehensive support and safety planning to address these very real concerns.
Safety Planning: Consider creating a safety plan if you feel at risk, including emergency contact information and steps to take if the abuser becomes violent or threatening. Working with a domestic violence advocate is always recommended.
Post-separation abuse can feel overwhelming and insidious. It is important for the general public to become aware of this type of abuse and the many ways that it can appear in someone’s life. Isolation is a tool of an abuser so remembering that support is out there is critical.
What Can I Do With This Information?
If any of this sounds familiar and you’d like to have a deeper conversation about it and how to empower yourself to move on and live your best life, I am an in-house Divorce Coach with Merel Family Law, give me a call! I’m available at (312) 408-7000, or you can schedule a consultation using the buttons above, below and all around!
Written By Kristina Lindsay
Based out of Chicago’s North Shore, Kristina is both a certified High Conflict Divorce Coach and certified Domestic Violence Professional. She came to the field of high conflict divorce coaching through her career in the domestic violence world. After years supporting clients in domestic violence court and seeing the injustice and pain caused by a family court system that did not take abuse seriously, Kristina began to look for ways to advocate for change. Kristina has worked in high crisis environments such as civil/criminal court as well as multiple hospital systems providing crisis intervention for patients disclosing abuse. She also has extensive experience researching, developing, and facilitating high level trainings.
