Helping Your Child Adjust During A Divorce: Developmental Tips By Age
Divorce is not just a legal and financial event—it’s an emotional shift that affects the entire family. If you need help with a divorce or child custody, our Deerfield, IL child custody lawyer is available to discuss your situation and your options.
For children, the impact of divorce varies significantly depending on their stage of development. A toddler will process the changes differently than a high schooler preparing for independence, and adult children often face their own unique challenges. In Illinois, courts focus heavily on the “best interests of the child” when determining parenting time and parental responsibilities, but for parents, the work doesn’t stop there. Helping children adjust requires insight into how their developmental stage shapes their experience of divorce.
Below, we break down age-specific guidance to help Illinois parents support their children through this difficult transition, alongside practical co-parenting strategies that apply across the board.
Toddlers & Preschoolers
Separation Anxiety and Routines
Young children thrive on predictability. For toddlers and preschoolers, divorce often introduces disruptions that feel confusing and even frightening. At this stage, children do not have the capacity to fully understand why one parent is leaving the home. Instead, they may cling to the parent they are with, experience more tantrums, regress in behaviors (such as bedwetting or thumb-sucking), or struggle with sleep. They also tend to have more issues during parenting time exchanges, which is why it is important for the parents to be on their best behavior and help facilitate the transition as smoothly as possible.
Consistency is critical. Parents can help by maintaining regular routines for meals, naps, and bedtime—whether the child is at mom’s house in Chicago or dad’s home in Hinsdale. In Illinois, many parenting plans incorporate “right of first refusal” clauses, which can mean that one parent has the option to care for the child if the other is unavailable prior to securing third-party child care. While this can be beneficial, parents must be mindful of whether it disrupts the child’s established schedule.
Explaining Divorce in Simple Language
At this age, children need reassurance in plain, age-appropriate terms. Keep explanations simple: “Mommy and Daddy are going to live in different houses, but we both love you very much.” Avoid overloading them with details about legal proceedings or financial disagreements. Using picture books or play therapy can also help toddlers and preschoolers process the changes.
Elementary School Children
Dealing With Loyalty Conflicts
Children in early and middle elementary school are old enough to understand that their parents are separating, but they may struggle with feelings of divided loyalty. It is common for a child in this stage to feel guilty, worry about “taking sides,” or even believe the divorce is their fault. Parents should actively dispel these misconceptions and make clear that the divorce is an adult decision, that won’t affect the way each parent feels about them.
Illinois law requires both parents to foster a relationship between the child and the other parent, unless doing so would harm the child. This legal principle mirrors what psychologists recommend: parents should never disparage each other in front of the child. Instead, they should encourage a healthy bond with both parents.
Supporting Academic Stability
School provides an anchor of stability during divorce, but it can also be an area where children show signs of stress—such as declining grades, increased absences, or behavioral problems. Illinois schools often provide support through counselors or social workers, and parents should proactively inform teachers about the divorce. Creating a communication plan with the school guarantees both parents receive updates about academic progress, behavioral issues, and extracurricular activities.
Preteens & Teens
Anger, Identity Formation, and Independence Struggles
Adolescence is already a time of heightened emotions and identity exploration. Add divorce into the mix, and teens may respond with anger, rebellion, or withdrawal. They may question family loyalty or worry about their own future relationships. Preteens and teens are more likely to express frustration openly, sometimes directing it at one or both parents.
Parents must walk a fine line—respecting the teen’s need for independence while maintaining appropriate boundaries. Illinois parenting time schedules often shift as children grow older, giving them more input into their preferences, depending on the child’s maturity. However, the law makes clear that parenting plans are not simply about what the child “wants,” but what is in their best interest. Parents should remain firm about core rules, such as curfews and academic responsibilities, even while allowing some flexibility in visitation schedules to accommodate social lives and extracurricular commitments.
Importance of Respectful Co-Parenting Communication
Teens are highly attuned to conflict between parents. If they witness shouting matches, sarcastic texts, or tense exchanges at handoffs, it can intensify their stress and cause them to withdraw. Using tools such as co-parenting apps (many of which Illinois courts now recommend) can minimize direct conflict and keep communication businesslike. When parents maintain a united front, teens feel more secure in navigating their own path through the changes.
College-Age & Adult Children
Impact of Divorce on College Tuition and Family Holidays
In Illinois, divorce can directly affect college-aged children in unique ways. Unlike many states, Illinois law allows courts to order divorced parents to contribute to a child’s college expenses, including tuition, room and board, and living costs. Parents should discuss these obligations early to prevent financial disputes from spilling over into the child’s experience.
Adult children may no longer depend on their parents for daily care, but divorce can still disrupt family traditions. Holidays, weddings, and even graduations may require delicate planning to avoid conflict. Open communication, flexibility, and willingness to compromise are essential to make certain adult children do not feel caught in the middle.
Practical Co-Parenting Strategies
Consistent Routines Across Homes
Children of all ages benefit when parents align rules, schedules, and expectations across households. While differences are inevitable, consistency around mealtimes, bedtimes, homework rules, and screen time reduces confusion and anxiety. For Illinois families, this may mean carefully structuring parenting plans to allow stability while still preserving meaningful time with both parents.
Child-Centered Communication Techniques
Instead of framing conversations around parental disputes, keep communication focused on the child’s needs. For example, rather than arguing over weekends, phrase it as: “Which schedule would work best for Taylor’s soccer season?” This shift helps parents collaborate instead of competing. Illinois courts increasingly encourage the use of mediation or collaborative divorce processes to help parents develop communication skills that reduce conflict long-term.
Using Therapists, School Counselors, or Divorce Coaches
Professional support can be invaluable. Therapists trained in child development can help children process their emotions. School counselors can monitor academic performance and social adjustment. Some families even choose to work with a divorce coach—like the professionals at Merel Family Law partner with—who provides tools for navigating both the legal and emotional sides of divorce. These resources not only support children but also give parents the strategies they need to co-parent effectively.
Case Example Of A Smooth Transition
Consider a Chicago-area family with two children: a six-year-old and a fifteen-year-old. When the parents decided to divorce, they worked with their attorneys and a divorce coach to create a parenting plan that addressed both children’s unique needs.
For the six-year-old, the plan emphasized maintaining consistent bedtime and homework routines, with both parents attending parent-teacher conferences together to reinforce academic stability. The parents also used storybooks and simple language to explain the divorce, to make sure the child understood that both parents still loved them.
For the teenager, the parents gave input into visitation schedules that respected extracurricular activities and social commitments. They used a co-parenting app to communicate about logistics, minimizing exposure to conflict. Over time, both children adjusted smoothly, supported by professional counseling and open communication. The parents’ commitment to child-centered decision-making helped both kids thrive despite the major family changes.
Supporting Children Through Divorce At Every Stage
Divorce is never easy, but with thoughtful planning and a child-centered approach, Illinois parents can help their children not just cope, but grow stronger through the transition. Each developmental stage presents unique challenges—from toddlers’ separation anxiety to college students’ concerns about tuition and family holidays. By maintaining consistent routines, communicating respectfully, and utilizing available resources, parents can minimize the negative impact of divorce.
Merel Family Law is an award winning, nationally and locally recognized law firm with 100s of five-star reviews. We have been helping families with child custody and a full range of family law needs since 2009. We understand that supporting children through divorce is about more than legal paperwork—it’s about protecting their emotional well-being and giving them the tools to thrive. Our team is here to guide families through the legal process with compassion, experience, and a focus on what matters most: the future of your children. Reach out to us any time of the day or night, 365 days a year.
