This is the talk every parent dreads. Your stomach is in knots. You’re terrified of saying the wrong thing and breaking your kids’ hearts.
Our Chicago, IL collaborative divorce lawyer knows that you can do this, and you can do it in a way that protects them and sets the foundation for a healthy two-household family.
Here are the non-negotiable rules for “The Talk.”
1. Do It Together
This is the most important rule. You must be a united front, even if you can’t stand each other. This decision involves both of you, and you need to deliver it as a team.
If the kids see one parent telling the story, they might see a victim and a villain. This is not the time to air grievances. This is a time to show your kids that, on this, you are one.
2. Keep It Simple And Age-Appropriate
Your kids do not need the adult details. They don’t need to hear about infidelity, money problems, or who fell out of love.
- For young kids (3-7), say something like this: “Mommy and Daddy are going to stop being married. We are going to live in two different houses, but we both love you just as much as we always have.”
- For older kids (8-13), say something like this: “Mom and Dad have made a grown-up decision to get a divorce. This means we won’t be married anymore. This is not going to change how much we love you, but it will change some things, like where we live.”
- For teens (14+), say something like this: You can be more direct, but adult details are still off-limits. They will have more complex questions. Be prepared to answer them honestly, but always as a “we” decision.
3. Say These Words: “This Is Not Your Fault.”
Say it, and then say it again again. Nearly every child, no matter their age, will secretly believe they are the cause. (“If I had just been quieter…” “If I didn’t get a bad grade…” “If I didn’t ask for…”). You must explicitly and repeatedly tell them this is a grown-up problem, and nothing they did or said caused this.
4. Say These Words: “We Will Always Be Your Parents.”
The second biggest fear is abandonment. You need to make it clear that you are divorcing each other, but you are not divorcing them.
“Mommy will always be your mommy. Daddy will always be your daddy. We will both love you forever.”
5. Be Clear About What Will (And Won’t) Change
Be concrete. Kids thrive on stability. “You will be staying in this house. You will be going to the same school. You will still have soccer practice.” If you don’t have the answers, be honest: “We’re still working on the plan for where we will all live, but we will tell you as soon as we know. What will not change is that we are your family.”
This isn’t a one-time conversation. It’s the beginning of a much longer one. Be prepared for them to be sad, angry, or even silent. Your only job at that moment is to make them feel loved and secure.
This is the hardest part. Our team, including our in-house certified High Conflict Divorce Coach Kristina Lindsay, is here to help you prepare for these conversations with compassion and strength. You don’t have to do it alone. Connect with Merel Family Law today. We’re here to help.
