“That never happened.” “You’re crazy.” “You’re just being emotional.” “I have no idea what you’re talking about.” “You’re the one who’s unstable.”
If you hear these phrases on a loop, you are likely dealing with a gaslighter.
Gaslighting is a sinister and intentional form of psychological manipulation. The goal is to make you doubt your own memory and your own sanity.
It’s a tactic to gain power and control. In a divorce, a gaslighter will use this to try and paint you as the unstable and unreliable one, which is especially dangerous in a custody case.
You cannot win an argument with a gaslighter. You cannot prove your reality to them. They will simply rewrite the past.
You cannot change them. The only thing you can change is how you react to them. You must disengage and build a fortress of facts. Our Chicago, IL domestic violence attorney is here to help you protect yourself.
1. Stop Engaging Immediately
The gaslighter needs you to argue because your emotional reaction is their fuel. When you yell, “Yes, you did! I have the text!” you are still playing their game. Your only winning move is to stop playing.
- Your new phrase: “I will only communicate about this through our lawyers.”
- Your new phrase: “I am not having this conversation with you.”
- Your new phrase: (Silence. Hang up or walk away.)
2. Your New Best Friend Is A “Paper Trail”
The gaslighter’s power stops where objective facts begin. From this moment on, you are the world’s best record-keeper.
- Communicate in Writing only: No more phone calls or front-porch arguments. All communication moves to text, email, or a court-approved co-parenting app (like OurFamilyWizard). This creates a timestamped and un-editable log of who said what, when, and where.
- Keep a Factual Journal: Get a simple notebook. Date. Time. Event. (“7/10/25, 6:18 PM. Ex arrived 18 mins late for pickup. Smelled of alcohol.”)
- Save Everything: Screenshot the texts. Save the emails. Download the bank statements. This is your new reality.
3. Lean On Your Team. They Are Your Reality Check.
This is the most crucial part. A gaslighter isolates you to make you feel like you’re alone and you’re the crazy one. That’s why your “team” is non-negotiable.
- Your Lawyer: This is your shield. We take the hits for you. When you get a manipulative email, you forward it to us. We handle it.
- Your Therapist: This is your safe space to process the emotion and the trauma of the abuse so you can stay calm and factual with your lawyer.
- Your Divorce Coach: This is your strategist. Our in-house certified High Conflict Divorce Coach, Kristina Lindsay, is a domestic violence professional. She is trained specifically to help you create scripts, set boundaries, and disengage from this exact kind of high-conflict personality.
You are not crazy. They are trying to manipulate you, and you don’t have to take it anymore.
You don’t have to fight this alone. Our team is trained to handle high-conflict personalities and the dark tangled-up legal issues they create. Connect with Merel Family Law today. We see you and we believe you.
